


those who laugh the loudest

by megamegaturtle



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/M, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-01-27
Packaged: 2018-05-16 12:02:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5827819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megamegaturtle/pseuds/megamegaturtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Studies say that those that laugh the loudest are the ones more likely to have depression.</p><p>His smiles prove that they're not wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	those who laugh the loudest

Dread is the first thing he feels every morning, the opening of his eyes like a lever that sends lead into his stomach. It’s heavy and Adrien can’t breathe, anxiety pressing a weight on his chest as green eyes blink up at the ceiling. 

The red numbers on his alarm clock start to flicker and he quietly hushes the machine with a quick slam, the first movement of his day devoted to make sure that his kwami still sleeps. After all, Plagg loves to sleep in. 

As he brushes his teeth after a small breakfast–a piece of dry toast and a few apple slices–Nathalie knocks on his bathroom door.

“Your father will not home today from his business trip.”

Nino’s text message chime ringing through the air is the only reason he doesn’t stare at the pill bottles in the medicine cabinet.

On his drive to school, visions of a stray speeding car t-boning his passenger door play on repeat in his mind. Sometimes the car flips over and his seat belt chokes him. Other times the impact of the crash sandwiches his car between another and his driver walks out as the only survivor. More often than not though, he wonders what would happen if he just opened the car door and slipped away. 

Vanishing into the nothingness of which he came. 

Yet, school always arrives before he put action to that thought and he’s greeted by smiling faces from his classmates. Everyone is always so bright and friendly, but when looks over at Marinette, her face breaks out into the most warming smiling, blue eyes twinkling as she grins. 

“Good morning, Adrien,” she says, with a cute bite of her lip. “Did you sleep well?”

And though it is a lie, his heart beats a little faster when he replies. “Yeah, I did.”

He presses her warmth against the shattering of his heart, using her kindness to revive the numbness that coats his soul. For if he pretends hard enough, he forget what he feels and live in peace for a few moments when he ignores everything else. 

He’s good at pretending he realizes when the afternoon hits and his sapped of energy from tucking all his feelings away in a box.  At his photo shoot, all he has to do is pretend and keep on pretending like plastic dolls. Their smiles never fade and neither do his as he gets constant praise. 

“Handsome as always, Adrien!” the photographer tells him. 

But handsome is only skin deep and he feels ugly inside, twisted and knotted like a noose he wants to tie around his neck to hang from the rafters. It’ll be just one little snap and he won’t feel anything, he knows. 

He wouldn’t feel anything at all. 

However, feelings are the things that akuma are attracted to and when he hears screaming, he knows that it’s time to shove his aside once again (whether that is blessing or a curse is up for debate, Plagg says). 

But Chat Noir isn’t just his feelings alone, built on rocky foundations of loneliness and unworthiness, for he is equal to Ladybug and she is all that is good in the world.  As Plagg completes him, Chat Noir completes Ladybug and Adrien thinks there is beauty in that harmony created from both all that is lucky and unlucky in the world. 

 Because his mind isn’t filled with images of pill bottles and car accidents and nooses around necks when he’s fighting crime. Death here isn’t a choice, but a real mishap and the idea of choice no longer exists when jumping from rooftops at zooming speeds. 

And while he’s so high, his heart pounds quick and fast, pumping emotion through his veins that don’t weigh him down. For love makes him feel like he can fly and he promises his wax wings won’t melt in the sun.

Not until he can decide.  

When they win, like they always do, and Ladybug’s fist bumps his, he always memorizes the contours of her face, burning the image into his brain. His eyes trace over the swell of her cheeks to the smile on her lips to the knowing the exact color code for the blue in her eyes. 

It is a moment frozen in time that even death can’t erase. 

“Thanks for saving my butt, Kitty Cat,” she admits softly as their miraculous beep. 

Stepping in real close, he wants to brush the sweaty hair away from her forehead. “Well, you know me, Ladybug,” he says with a lazy grin. “You’re all I need to live.” 

And as always, Ladybug pushes him away, a gleam in her eye and laughter in her voice. “See you next time, yeah?”  

His stomach squirms when he gives his reply, knowing for a fact that it might not be true, but the promise of _something_  is better than nothing. 

“Next time it is,” he says when he blows his farewell kiss, the sound her laughter enough to carry him till tomorrow. 


End file.
